(Source: tweet2011)
(Source: tweet2011)
(Source: eyesofwitt)
YOU ARE CRUEL! YOU DON’T EVEN REALIZE HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE, AND YET YOU EXIST!
; A;
(Source: wakinguptheneighbours)
This has to be my best “Reese” to date. I like this simple style. And yes that’s a little doodle of Carter above him.
Enjoy!
(Source: naturepound)
LIONEL FUSCO: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a FUSCO unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential, unless you wish to suffer from an extremely awkward death of COMPETITIVE HOT-DOG EATING.
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of IRRELEVANT CORP., which is a restrictive organization that has made its goal to please all REESE and FINCH lovers alike.
Your FUSCO unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Full Name: Lionel Fusco
AKA: Dirty Cop, Corruptible Cop, Little Lion Man, Mr. Fiasco.
Porn Name: The McWeiner
Manufacturer: IRRELEVANT Corp.
Date of Production: Classified.
Age: Old enough to be dirty, young enough to not be filthy.
Height: Unhealthily short.
Weight: Irrelevantly unhealthy.
ACCESSORIES
Your FUSCO unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:
One MEDICORE SUIT.
One CHILD THAT WE NEVER SEE.
One ANNOYING EX-WIFE
One HAND-GUN.
One BROOKYLYN ACCENT.
One MINI HOT DOG VENDOR UNIT (does not function as an adult toy)
Fifty BOXES OF HOT DOGS (also functions as an adult toy.)
One UNAPPRECIATED BACKSTORY
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and REESE’S blackmail as payment. Anything goes as long as it’s REESE.
ACTIVATION
Your FUSCO unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your FUSCO unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He will make you go head-to-head in an EATING CONTEST. It is WELL-KNOWN that NO HUMAN BEING has ever survived FUSCO’S EATING CONTEST so we suggest that you follow these METHODS of ACTIVATION.
The FUSCO unit has three METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:
METHOD ONE:
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor.
(3). Immediately begin SCREAMING at the TOP OF YOUR LUNGS.
(4). Your FUSCO unit will awaken IMMEDIATELY. He will grab his HAND-GUN and ask WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG.
(5). State that YOUR ASS has NO CONCERN as a response. Your FUSCO unit will appear to be THOUGHTFUL.
(6) Your FUSCO unit will then SYMPATHETIZE with the LACK OF ASS CONCERN IN THE WORLD. Allow him to ramble on about ASS PROBLEMS.
(7) After this, your FUSCO unit will respond to you regularily.
METHOD TWO:
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Place your FUSCO unit in front of the REESE unit. (Sold separately)
(3). Your REESE unit will proceed to grab the FUSCO unit’s hand and PUNCH him in the FACE with it. He may start to mumble ‘WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING YOURSELF?’ while doing this.
NOTE: The REESE unit is KIND OF AN ASS when he is with the FUSCO unit.
(4). Eventually, your FUSCO unit will activate and take control of his own hand.
(5) The FUSCO unit will attempt to tell the REESE unit to SCREW OFF.
(6) The REESE unit will not SCREW OFF.
(7) At this point the FUSCO unit will notice you; he will IMMEDIATELY run over to you and ask for ASSISTANCE IN SCREWING THE REESE unit OFF. Tell the REESE unit that he is OUT OF HAIR GEL and he will IMMEDIATELY RUN OFF.
(8) After this, the FUSCO unit will accept you as a friend and be FOREVER THANKFUL.
METHOD THREE:
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Start making HOT DOGS.
(3). Your FUSCO unit will AWAKEN to the smell.
(4). Your FUSCO unit will walk over to you and ask WHEN IS DINNER READY?
(5). If you say ‘SOON - JUST SIT DOWN.’ Then he will accept you as a trustworthy COMPANION.
MODES OF OPERATION
DEFAULT
DIRTY COP: Your FUSCO unit has a SUSPICIOUS PAST. He knows the INS and OUTS of the city and is willing to BREAK A FEW LAWS in order to assist his friends. Broke into someone’s house while you were drunk and you need a good cover up? The FUSCO unit can assist you! Killed someone that you would rather no one hear about? FUSCO FIXES THAT.
UNDERAPPRECIATED: The FUSCO unit puts up with A LOT OF SHIT from the other units. Although this seems to be a NEGATIVE thing it actually can WORK IN YOUR FAVOUR. ANY attention you give the FUSCO unit will be appreciated and will cause him to be a RELIABLE BUDDY.
GOOD FATHER: Although a questionable cop, your FUSCO unit is a DAMN GOOD father. He has a FATHERLY INSTINCT that the other units apparently lack. If you have a YOUNG CHILD your FUSCO unit can BABYSIT, ATTEND TO, and CARE for it.
PROFESSIONAL EATER: The FUSCO unit has a BIT OF A WEIGHT PROBLEM. He just REALLY LIKES HIS HOT-DOGS OKAY? Do NOT be surprised if he comes home after work with AN ARRAY OF FAST FOOD. He is just trying to CONTRIBUTE to the HOUSEHOLD.
WARNING! IRRELEVANT CORP. is not responsible for any possible weight gain that might result in the FUSCO unit’s fast food delivery service.ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
FOOD BINGE: The FUSCO unit, although very durable to the REESE unit’s harassment, can sometimes get OVERLOADED WITH TAUNTS. If he is simply TOO TIRED to deal with the REESE unit’s CONSTANT BITCHING then he will start a FOOD BINGE that can last anywhere from FOUR to SIX HOURS. If worse comes to worse he can still be a good PINATA for a party.
REALLY BAD STALKER: If you treat the FUSCO unit with enough respect he may start to have a little CRUSH on you. HOWEVER, since he is influenced by the REESE and FINCH units he will attempt to stalk you first. This will be VERY POOR STALKING due to the fact that he JUST CAN’T STALK. We suggest you tell him that you can SEE HIM BEHIND THAT TREE HE IS NOT THIN ENOUGH TO PULL THAT LOOK OFF if he starts this. This will not end the CRUSH but it WILL end the CREEPINESS.
LIFE OF THE PARTY: You know those REALLY OBNOXIOUS guys at the parties that constantly FIST-PUMP and get COMPLETELY WASTED? Well GOOD NEWS if you like them. The FUSCO unit is great at parties, especially when slightly INTOXICATED.
WARNING! We at IRRELEVANT CORP. do NOT suggest having the FUSCO and REESE units at the same party. This will result in both unts engaging in a DEADLY DRINKING GAME that could result in BOTH UNITS REMOVING THEIR CLOTHES.SPECIAL
SUPER-SEXY-KARAOKE MAN : The FUSCO unit does not have much FREE-TIME. HOWEVER, when he does he tends to BELIEVE HE COULD BE THE NEXT BRITNEY SPEARS. Your FUSCO unit can be seen SNEAKING OUT to the KARAOKE BAR if he becomes TOO STRESSSED OUT.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your FUSCO unit requires extra effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
(1). Daily Involved Grooming. The FUSCO unit requires one SHOWER every second day. If you want to be FANCY you can buy him BACON LIPGLOSS. However, this is NOT REQUIRED.
(2) Food. Where the FUSCO unit lacks in GROOMING, he makes up for in FOOD. If you do not have enough FOOD in your house, the FUSCO unit will immediately FIND THE NEAREST KFC and SATE HIMSELF.
(3). Exercise. HA-HA, oh you have got to be SHITTING ME.
(4). Sex. Despite what MOST people think, the FUSCO unit DOES LIKE SEX. HOWEVER, due to his UNDERAPPRECIATED MODE he does not EXPECT it. So SCREW HIM IF YOU WISH.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Hey what happened to all my food? I think my Fusco unit stole it!
A: No…he ATE it.
Q: My Reese unit just ran off with my Fusco unit! What do I do?
A: Don’t worry, the REESE unit is just CORRUPTING the FUSCO unit. Give him two or three hours, it helps in the SEX needs category.
Q: My Fusco unit is sleeping with plushies uh….is this normal?
A: …YES.
Q : I think Fusco is cheating on me with the hot dog vendor!
A: They’re just REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS.
Q: This is Harold Finch. I insist that you stop these insane manuals and making machines based off other people. This is an invasion of privacy and is degrading to both me and everyone involved. Please stop this immediately.
A: …NO.
Q: My Fusco unit keeps on singing Lady Gaga and it’s really annoying!
A: OUCH, that sounds like a problem. Tell him that REESE will FLIP DAT CAR OF HIS if he continues singing. THAT should shut him up.
